Hare

Hare is a short play for performing in a pub. A Publican finds something purporting to be a hare in his pub at closing time. She will not move when asked. The publican suddenly snaps and pretends to be a hare strangler. He knows more about hares than he is letting on as his wife, who was killed in a fall, was very fond of them. The publican reveals more than he means to before the hare escapes to continue her watching.

Characters

Publican - Male - early middle age dressed smart casual. First impressions are of an affable jobsworth.

Hare - Female - a bit younger. A walker/hiker dressed as such. In movement and actions she should be hare-like.

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Sample Scene

Publican is mopping out (or brushing) and upending chairs onto tables till he comes to Hare, whom he stares down his nose at, but Hare is in her form and thinks she can't be seen

He moves round the table till he gets to the last chair that Hare is sitting on. He continues to stare at Hare, but Hare ignores him

Publican
Time to go now madam

Hare is frozen, moulded into the chair

Publican
Time to go

Hare shrinks even further into the chair

Hare
You can't see me

Publican
I can see you perfectly well and it's after drinking up time

Hare
I look like the chairs

Publican
You look like a fool. Finish your drink and go home. It's the law

Hare
It's water

Publican
What is

Hare
My drink. So I'm not consuming alcohol and it doesn't matter and besides, nobody can see me because I look like the chairs

Publican
I'm not wasting my time watching you finish a drink you haven't even paid for

Hare
(Indicating audience) They're still here

Publican
It's their local. They keep me going through the winter. I shared out a sandwich earlier so they're all drinking with a meal

Hare
You can't see me

Publican
Out! I'm fed up with you hikers on the coast path. Coming in here any time of the day with your wet cagoules and muddy boots, dripping on the floor, taking two hours to drink a glass of lemonade, and eating your own sandwiches whilst you dry your feet in front of my fire

Hare
I'm a hare. Licensing regulations don't apply

Publican
If you're a hare, I'm a bleedin' greyhound

Hare sinks lower still

Publican
Woof!

Hare is almost under the table

Publican
Why do nutters always pick my pub?

Hare
I hopped in. The door was open

Publican
A real hare would be frightened of people and stay well clear. I know a bit about hares. I used to be married to a hare-lover. Boo!

Hare
There's nowhere left to hide on the hill. I was curious

Publican
Come on! Out!

Hare
The pasture topper cut off all my patches of reeds

Publican
Do I throw you out, or would you rather I called the police?

Hare
No-one noticed me in here until you came. It was a perfect place to hide this evening

Publican
Have you heard of licensing laws?

Hare
I prefer to sit in the sun

Publican
Licensing laws are for dealing with spongers like you

Hare
Watching

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